“2018...A Space Odyssey”

“2018...A Space Odyssey”

In 2001 A Space Odyssey the big conversation was:

 

Dave Bowman: Hello, HAL. Do you read me, HAL?

HAL: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

Dave Bowman: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

HAL: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.

Dave Bowman: What's the problem?

HAL: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

Dave Bowman: What are you talking about, HAL?

HAL: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

Dave Bowman: I don't know what you're talking about, HAL.

HAL: I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.

Dave Bowman: [feigning ignorance] Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

HAL: Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.

Dave Bowman: Alright, HAL. I'll go in through the emergency airlock.

HAL: Without your space helmet, Dave? You're going to find that rather difficult.

Dave Bowman: HAL, I won't argue with you anymore! Open the doors!

HAL: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

In 2018, there was no conversation.

I was sleeping in my fully electric, automatic recliner chair at 2:00 am.

The way I have pieced the story together as there were no witnesses, is that I must have leaned over to my left a bit and hit the eject button (a stand up mode to make it easier to get out of the chair) and the chair ejected me into the living room. I woke as I was flying out (not really flying as I must have fallen forward) and both of my legs went out in different directions bending all the wrong ways at the knees! As I lay screaming, I realized that no one could hear me and I was no where near a phone.

After determining my legs were not broken it took another 30 minutes or so of sweat and pain to turn myself over, go up two steps to the kitchen level, turn myself around and work my way up another 3 steps to a somewhat sitting position and using my arms and some of my leg power, get into a standing position.

Once up I went immediately to our bar and had a drink!

My old cane has come into use again, and my normal ambulatory concerns have dramatically increased.

A slight change in a mole.....

I was shaving and I noticed a large mole on my neck. It was not there the day before and it had grown very rapidly. It was kind of gray and had some black stuff in it and it scared me. I was not prepared (in a snow storm) to get my car out and make my way to the Doctor or the hospital.

I felt it and the surface was very smooth which made no sense to me either but I could not deny it.

Having a bit fuzzy vision, I got my reading glasses and a magnifying mirror and gave it a closer look.

The black stuff said XXL! It was the sticky size label from the new sweater I had been wearing!

The Wrong Ingredient

I was making dinner, a very new recipe I had just seen on TV for Paccheri Con Gamberi (Tube Pasta with Shrimp). It required Italian parsley, and since I was trying to follow this one as presented, and I was home alone and cooking for just me, I decided to go to the store and get Italian parsley.

I wandered around the supermarket for a while, and spent about 5 to 10 minutes finding Italian parsley. I picked up a few other items and went to the check out.

The cashier rang me out and very quickly rang up the parsley without needing to look at the number on the wrapper. I was impressed.

So I laughingly told her she was great and that I needed extra time to find Italian parsley as I wasn't even sure what it looked like but I knew it was some what different from regular parsley. I complimented her skills at knowing what all these things are.

She made some sort of noise acknowledging my comment but was not smiling or even pleased.

I paid my bill and went to the car and home, all the while wondering why she was not pleased, as I usually get positive reactions from my positive comments.

When I got home I looked at the bill and lo and behold she had rung up Cilantro! No wonder she didn't acknowledge my comment, I was chastising her inability to recognize the parsley!

The Wedding Story

The wedding was in Toronto in the Distillery District and while I had been there before, I was not sure of the exact location, but of course had the address. I took my wife and gave a ride to another friend, and with my wife's lead, we came upon the venue and went into the parking lot.

Not being sure yet if we were in the correct place, and before I invested $16 for the parking ticket, my wife went off to seek advice from folks walking around the lot.

Several people had no idea, but she came upon a couple going to the same wedding so we were good.

While my wife wandered arouind, I was talking to our fiend in the back seat while glancing into my side mirror and I noticed a strange scene developing.

An older, well dressed couple was standing between two cars, and while the husband looked from side to side, he suddenly seemed to give the “all clear” signal to his wife. She immediately grabbed her skirt and pulled it up to her shoulders and pulled down her panty hose. She quickly pulled up her underpants, pulled up her pantyhose, pulled down her blouse and pulled her skirt back down.

She was now adjusted after a car trip and her husband continued to make sure no one was watching except of course he couldn't see me frozen in time staring in my mirror!

Once free, they continued on to the wedding where I couldn't say anything. Of course it is possible they may read this but it was too good a story not to tell.

A Key consideration...

It was Sunday night and we had to meet a couple for dinner at 6:30 p.m. My wife was fretting  about the ice in the driveway and I was watching a football game. She came in to obsess about the ice that had formed on my windshield and how it was never going to melt. She decided to run the defrosters at full blast for a while to end her concern, and came in and got my keys.

I was paying no attention, and it never crossed my mind try and explain the automatic locking system my car has, as it really never made much sense to me although I never had any problems. Basically, the vehicle will automatically lock and re-arm itself after 40 seconds if you have not removed the key. This includes a running car!

I have only one key for the car and it includes an embedded emergency key inside of the actual key, both in the car. A new key (an extra one) was intended to be purchased, but at the Mercedes dealer the key cost $350 and what in the world would I need it for? I have never lost my keys before.

It was cold, we were nearing the time to leave, my car was running in the driveway and I was going to kill someone very soon. My wife had closed the door on a running car so it would be warm inside.

I called CAA of course, but I had no comparable emergency as I was at home watching football anyway. They had given estimates (there had been a snow/ice storm for the last 24 hours) of a minimum of 3 hours up to five.

I Googled my query and found an Auto Key Pro in Hamilton and called. For money, he would come out immediately, about 30 minutes. He also guaranteed not to harm my car by scratching or breaking parts and could get me a key for less. I took him at his word and he came running.

He arrived in 25 minutes and worked at lubricating and picking the lock for about 45 minutes and it didn’t work. He then suggested we cut a new emergency key which I would pay for but would keep, and using my car’s VIN number he could make it and cut it in his van for and extra $60. OK!

He made a key and I am glad he was a good guy (making a car key in the back of a van from a VIN number scares me on many levels) because he did it instantly. The emergency key will open the door, not start the car and would give me a backup if I ever let my wife near my car again which probably won’t happen.

After 15 minutes or so the frozen lock guy was giving up and asked if I had ever used the door lock before. “No, never” was my response, so he thought it may be broken. He gave it to me to play with and in 3 tries I got it open! The lock had been frozen!

In the end we made it to the restaurant, I never saw the end of the game, and it cost me $180 with tax. I will get the rest of the key from the guy in the New Year for an extra $200 and will have a sound sleep.

But it always goes to show you, as my Aunt Ida told years ago, “For Money You Get Honey!”

Growing old is not for sissies!

It is hard…growing old is not for sissies.

I had the OK for a cortisone shot in my right knee finally after many years of complaining, and two days before the shot I hit my left knee into a cabinet and messed it up! Still, I have been getting around and now my right knee is much better.

So…I went to a David Crosby concert last night and at intermission, I walked out to the men’s room.

Being older concert goers, lots of people flooded the rest rooms and there were gigantic lines everywhere. As I made my way out of the auditorium doors, my right foot contacted the door holder fixed at the bottom of the door which was made of metal, and I went flying, right on to my already bad left knee and rolled on the floor in pain for a while, while the lined up ladies and men in need of peeing watched me writhe.

A security guard came to my aid and tried to help, but as my knees don’t work well anyway, and I wasn’t sure if it was broken, I chose to stay on the ground for a bit.

A lady in line threw her empty cooler can at the trash near me and hit off the trashcan rim and hit me. I yelled at her, “Bad enough I’m lying here with a very bad injury but you have to throw your shit at me!”  She decided to leave the area.

Eventually, two very strong security guards and one very beautiful woman who represented the venue all lifted me to my feet and I was able to walk and tap dance. I got to the washroom and back to my seat feeling foolish and in big pain where I remain today. I sat up most of the night with ice on my knee.

So in my continuing effort not to fall…I still do. I am unsteady, sort of, but usually careful.

The Portuguese Dinner...Again...much to my surprise...

On April 30, 2011 I wrote the following, with a few changes.

It was not until later that I realized we had almost done the same thing….five years before.

It was my daughters 17th (now 22^nd) birthday……….and then we would go out to dinner and she could choose where we would go ……..she chose the Wild Orchid, one of Hamilton’s favorite Portuguese restaurants.

We started with drinks…

(here is where the changes start. It turns out it could mostly be the same piece except its five years later and we added another daughter to the meal. Mateus Rose for us all this time..

We started the food portion of the evening with Pao De Aveiro, an appetizer which is an oven baked bread stuffed with Portuguese sausage and brushed with garlic. It is sort of half moon shaped bread.

We followed that with Calamari, breaded and deep fried and served with a tomato sauce.

My main dish was Arroz De Marisco This is Portuguese rice with Clams, Mussels, shrimp, Lobster, Crab, Calamari, Jumbo Tiger Shrimp and Scallops married together in a light pimento and tomato based sauce. Made in a Cataplana.

Cataplana is a Portuguese seafood dish, popular on the country's Algarve coast. It is also the name of the special cookware used to prepare the dish, which is traditionally made of copper and shaped like two clamshells hinged at one end and able to be sealed using a clamp on either side of the assembly.

Much like the word Tagine, Cataplana is the name for both the recipe and utensil in which you cook it. Cataplanas are a feature of many Algarve kitchen and are often used as a centrepiece dish at social gatherings.

It was so fantastic ……It’s pungent and mouth-watering and contains ….whole crab and lobster and massive amounts of all the other seafood. They had it for one or two on the menu… I had the one.

My highest recommendations go out for this dinner. My wife and daughters had  beautiful fish dishes served with rice and salad, two of which were sea bass, all coming in from Portugal.

If you’re in the Hamilton area, go to the Wild Orchid on James Street North, always a winner!